Revision..maybe

So i've written another version after getting some amazing imput on the last. So i went at it again, and here's what i came up with. Still could be better, but not sure how this would sound in another persons head.

FADE IN:

INT. BAR – NIGHT

It’s dark, crowded and noisy. It’s a local club, packed with
COLLEGE SENIORS and older dwellers, strolling around. Upon a platform is a riotous band holding forth the stage, blasting out major mosh inducing material.

The listeners, unkempt but lively, writhe about to the music with healthy abandon.

GABE(23), dark shadows under his eyes, floats around the halls, greeting and chatting with other PARTYGOERS. His hair is messy, and his wardrobe is disordered. But there’s a cool, subtle swagger in his step.

Gabe sits at the far end of the bar, orders a drink. Watches through the thickening mass of people. His eyes go right to A GIRL, with a posse around her. She stands out with her blue fluorescent dyed hair, involved in a pool game already in progress. He studies her discreetly.

The girl looks around the place. Her eyes meeting his before he’s able to look away. She smiles vaguely. He looks embarrassed, then down at his drink.

Every now and then he glances at her, each time she’s looking right at him.

After awhile, the girl grows impatient, and heads straight for him. Plays as if they’re old friends, grabbing his hand, leading to the dance floor.

They begin to dance.

INT. BAR – LATER

Singer sings onstage, an acoustic waltz. Gabe holds the girl, slow dancing.

He eventually moves in for a kiss. Tense at first, both relax into it. The intensity grows fast.

LATER

The girl’s scribbling her phone number on Gabe’s right hand. She kisses his cheek, and moves on. Exiting the club, the posse follows behind.




LATER

Gabe follows a group of GUYS as they mount into the bathroom, the door being held open by several people sharing a joint. Gabe takes the joint, smokes a drag. Then returns it, and enters the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Gabe stands in the crowded bathroom, people coming in and out, unsteady.

A DEALER stands beside him, scooping out powders onto the countertop. Gabe bends, snorting a bump of heroin.

He’s silent and still. Then suddenly gasps; not exactly ecstasy, but something more painful.

INT. BAR – MOMENTS LATER

Gabe’s smacking water on his face, gasping, in pants and sweats. All the while, the dealer slinks past, out of the room.

EXT. BAR – LATER

It’s raining. Flashing lights from passing cars give unfocused glimmers on a group of people lounging by the club. Gabe is on his way out, stumbling along, taking in VERY HEAVY, UNEVEN breaths.

When in one swift motion -- from a shoe skidding against the gravel to a body SLAMMING onto the ground -- there is Gabe’s WAIL of HEAVY PAIN.

Everybody around him panics…



---

yay?...nay?... may...be?

.Insecurities.

An opening sequence is what makes script readers want to keep going. So its only natural that i would want to make it as great as possible. I've been insecure about this intro for my feature script for awhile now, and i think i should open myself for help. (as hard as that is) So if anybody could offer advice, i'd more than appreciate it.
Here we go!


FADE IN:

INT. BAR – NIGHT

Inside a full grungy little club. Groups of COLLEGE STUDENTS, unkempt but lively, are in full motion.

GABE(23), dark shadows under his eyes, floats around the halls, greeting and chatting with other PARTYGOERS.

He follows a group of GUYS as they mount into the bathroom, the door being held open by several people sharing a joint. Gabe takes the joint, smokes a drag. Then returns it, and enters the bathroom.

INT. BAR – MOMENTS LATER

Gabe stands in the crowded bathroom, people coming in and out, unsteady.

ANOTHER GUY stands beside him, scooping out powders onto the countertop. Gabe bends, snorting a bump of heroin.

He’s silent and still. Then suddenly gasps; not exactly ecstasy, but something more painful.

INT. BAR – MOMENTS LATER

Gabe’s smacking water on his face, gasping, in pants and sweats. All the while, the other guy slinks past, out of the room.

EXT. BAR – LATER

It’s raining out. Flashing lights from passing cars give unfocused glimmers on a group of teens exiting the club. Gabe is one of them, the only one stumbling along, taking in VERY HEAVY, UNEVEN breaths.

Then in one swift motion -- from a shoe skidding against the gravel to a body SLAMMING onto the ground -- there is Gabe’s WAIL of HEAVY PAIN.

Everybody panics…

----

Feedback is welcome. Constructive preferably. Should it be trimmed?

.Rio.

The actor. The activist. The environmentalist. The addict. The enigma. The vegan. Whatever preconceived notions you have of him; I guess thats what he is. Or was. or could be.

I MET U AS A STRANGER, TOOK U AS A FRIEND. I HOPE WE MEET IN HEAVEN WHERE FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS.

I am Man.

i am a man, yes a man...
But what else could you expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like myself? Hoodlums, yes, I mean me and my friends, my whole sex.
Men, with our groping and spitting. All groin, no brain.
Unlike the others, the girls, With sugar and spice and everything... useless. unless you're baking.
Three billion of us passin' around the same worn out urge. Men...

.showdown.

She’s here now, bending over me
-To that which joined
Emily,
Rose,
Pat,
Desire’, and Ana-

The horrors that led me to bone
Like a drink of good wine,
or Whiskey,
On a Sunday morning.
we engage with our
little stationary toys,
That goofy human ritual we play

I don’t know,
Or understand
Why I take the
insignificant with me,
- To no mans land –
A place where only God can see

But I don’t know
I don’t care
And it makes no difference.
Because it comes rolling bit by bit.

Hold on to the echoes of
Oh,
And the howls of
No,
until we’re no longer entangled


And as it was to be the end -
As cool as the night sky
As wild as the exposed moon -
We went at it again.

Because no bone of mine
has suffered
the burden of boredom.


Wrote this some days back...don't know if i like it yet.

.into the wild.

Between the mind that plans and the hands that build there must be a mediator.... and this must be the heart... The beginning. Of a new year, new attitude, and new goals.

I'm looking to do what's necessary, because I'm realizing that I'm wasting my time otherwise.

Many things drove me to do this, but the universal cause is that i'm seeking knowledge; knowledge of self, of new lands, of reality and its boundaries, of the universe, of all existence. Many fail and fail again, some die trying, some succeed gloriously, or perhaps a combination of all these. Yet all learn something, and truly live. (Funny me saying to truly live is to sit on my ass all day and blog lol) However, i created the blog so i could expand my thoughts, and my way of thinking...and journal my experiences here.

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat."

Few people truly die; they simply cease to exist. To die, I first must live. Stable careers and families, traveling here and there(maybe the occasional camping trip) is simply apart of being a cog in the great machine of society. It is nothing special or something I would be be proud of. Granted we need people for this. It is necessary. But for those with ambition (which could possibly be me), they drive and passion however a mundane existence such as this.

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future...If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty." - Chris McCandless

Let this be the first of what i hope to be a great journey.... I just read this entire thing and i nearly fell asleep. What a bore i am.